I was going to write a whole lot of bleurgg about the negative things I’m feeling as its important to report the lows as well as the highs. Well I realised I couldn’t explain. So I did it I signed up for a online therapist.
Its all a multitude of things that I can’t deal with the highs and lows every day is different much like the UK weather. Today I felt really sick as soon as the thought of revising happened. Because I realise I have so much and so little time. Multiple choice is always a weak area for me as that’s not how my brain recalls memory. I can do multiple choice if there is not that much information, in fact I received 100% last year in one test, because it was just a short amount of information that made sense.
However this year they have negative marking, so any wrong answers you lose more points. It makes sense, they want to know that you know, although how much can anyone know I mean psychology is a big subject, maybe they should just do test after each module instead of at the end of the year, seriously!
Well, not only that but I also went out last night with some two random girls from Meet up group to the cinema and conversation was so difficult as per usual. I literally do not know what to say but I end up just keep asking questions to keep trying to open up people. I think because I am socially acqward I learnt to ask question but I then expect everyone to keep asking questions. I’m not even sure if that is the right way to do things. I mean there are times when you meet someone for which conversation is so natural, rare but beautiful.
Afterwards I was feeling deflated. I walked through london and passed this homeless guy. He had put cardboard around a door way, much like a child does when building a play house. He was also playing a harmonica, properly, really much better then I ever heard it before. So I gave him a fiver because I’m sick of money and people. At that moment I felt more connected to him then all those sparkly theatre people who were just leaving shows smelling like toothpaste.
My mood did lift took the choice to go inside my local pub , because I saw through the window a circle of Irish musicians so I went inside and took a class of wine sat is this big leather chair by myself and listened to them. It irritated me somewhat that people can talk over music these days, and this is what was happening but still I enjoyed being alone listening to them in their work. It did make me realize that I want to go back to Ireland and travel there for a month and that is what is going to keep me going now.
SO Here we are back to today, in which I have given 100 quid to some online site in America! Because the sad thing is I don’t have anyone to talk to, I have a bad relationship with my mother who literally needs me all the time and lacks any empathy and my best friends are far away. SO the sad part is;
A. These days you have to go to Meet up to try and meet nice people,
B. you don’t have friends you can really have intimate conversations with so you have to pay money to actually speak to someone.
C. Social support is really important for healthy mental state. The guilt part is to know that you aren’t giving enough because it difficult to provide support to a family member or even a friend when that support if it has been going on for years and thus a professional is needed because its too much for one or two people to take on because most people walk away.
I don’t know if its a good thing or a bad thing that we need to speak to a stranger. Its indeed American thing to have a therapist. I guess, in other places they have large families and friends as well as communities of course that is great but sometimes it can also hide mental health problems. For instance in china there are low rates of depression and higher rates of suicide then the rest of the world. Therefore, we may well experience low mood states, life questions in so many different ways and its its bound to be universal.
I do have people to talk to at university and work and that’s nice and relaxed so I’m grateful for this. Of course, I do understand some issues with making relationships are due to lifestyle choices. To build a good friendship takes years. It involves shared memories and shared experience, something a traveling person doesn’t have because they move so much. Also, how you are brought up, the intimacy you received will have some effects on your love relationships and friendships. However I am always the devils advocate in these situations. I understand not everyone has the ability to experience empathy. They may be bitter about their lives and have learnt from generations before them how not to love. They may not have the ability to take responsibility to change this but we do. Thing is you can’t choose your parents, however you are bound them somehow so you suddenly have to be there all the time and you can’t walk away.
At least this lack of empathy will not be passed down the line, it can be taught. For instance my brother is very loving and kind even though he had a difficult childhood, therefore so his line of family will be very grounded. Hopefully, if I have a child I too will be able to really understand the importance of being there for them, helping them to manage there emotions so they won’t have to pay for an online therapist. There is no blame, Its not even a singular occurrence its not just me but so many of my generation and likely the one after me. The positive part is we are leaning more and more about how our brains and minds interact and how cope with the changes that come to us. Maybe this generation is screwed ,as were the previous but we are awakening to the fact that its possible to break the pattern and create a generation, open to love and compassion. That makes me feel good.